Cauliflower & Turkey Bacon Mashed

Cauliflower. I don’t really like it. But I really, really want to. I eat it, because that’s what you’re supposed to do; eat your vegetables.

I do, however, like bacon. Tonight I unenthusiastically bought a cauliflower because it seemed like I should take a break from carbo-loading at night when I’m not doing nearly enough to justify it – but I came home and found leftover turkey bacon. A star was born.

To start, buy a cauliflower. We’re going to make it taste good. Really, I promise.

Clean it up. I still haven’t ever discovered anything to do with the greens. If you have an idea, let me know.

By the way, I bought a new knife. I didn’t know what I was missing. If you don’t have a good knife, go buy one. Right now. Do it, you won’t be sorry. This is a Wusthof and I still don’t really know how to pronounce it.

It was a little hard to not go crazy chopping it up, just because I could.

Put your coarsely chopped cauliflower in a pot of water and bring to a boil.

Meanwhile, Get your bacon. I used turkey bacon because 1) it’s what I had and 2) it’s a Monday. I’m trying to detox from bad decisions all weekend. I’m pretty sure real bacon would change my life (so I’m not going to try it).

Chop it up. Let that awesome knife chop it up as tiny as your little (somewhat sadistic) heart desires.

Fry it up! I like it crispy, so it gave it a good 10 minutes.

Plus your whole house will smell like bacon. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Set it out on paper towels to get the minimal amount of grease drained off.

(Or not. It would probably be really awesome to leave it in.)

Your cauliflower should be done. If it’s tender with a fork, it’s good to go.

Drain it off and let it sit for a minute to get as much as the liquid to steam off as possible.

Toss it in your stand mixer. If you don’t have one yet? I’m sorry. I lived 27 years on this earth without one too. A hand masher or beater will work.

But really, I’m sorry. I do feel your pain.

Start mixing it on low speed. Trust me – don’t rush this. Unless you want cauliflower on your ceiling, which is far harder to get down than you’d think.

There we go, looking good.

One it’s a grainy texture, add some liquid back in, but make sure it has flavor. I happened to have chicken broth in the fridge, but any broth variety would work.

Bring on the flavor!

(Ohmigosh I need a manicure. Sorry about that.)

At this point I transfered it back to the fry pan (used for the bacon) to cook off any remaining liquid. I don’t like my food runny unless it’s an egg yolk.

The flavor trip isn’t over…. add a little Garlic Powder.

And Onion Powder.

And pepper.

Ok, a lot of pepper.

Mix it around and press it around the pan to continue to smooth it out. It’s kinda fun to mash it around.

Now a little yummy butter. Just 2 Tablespoons should do it – I used light. (It’s one thing where I don’t taste the difference.)

Toss in your crispy bacon (or what’s left of it – you know you snuck a bite)!

I didn’t add any salt with the other spices because I had to see how much salt the bacon added. It did give it a kick, but I’m a glutton for flavor. I added a dash more.

It might have been two dashes.

Tonight I paired it with some marinated boneless, skinless chicken. That right there? That’s a 350 calorie dinner (when paired with 3.5oz of chicken) that will change your life. If you’re not counting calories, that is simply a dinner that will change your life.

I’m being dramatic. Your life will be fine without this, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make it. There is just something immensely satisfying about enjoying every bite of something that feels like it should be so bad – but it isn’t!